you, friend, are not alone

I have a dear friend. 

her heart is incredible and she is walking a journey of listening, discerning obedience and heart change. i received an email from her last week that sounded so desperate and exhausted. 

foster care and adoption bring beauty and pain. 

I thought some other mamas out there could use a moment of affirmation as you read my response to her below:

I am now home, reading your email again and responding.  I almost dialed your number but for some reason I feel led to type out my words of encouragement and affirmation right now. maybe so you can read them again and again (I don't even know what I am going to type, so that's awfully humble of me to speak so highly of my words!)

I love you. when I read your words about being battle weary, my soul sank to my moments over the past few months when I felt the same way. my heart empathized with each word and emotion about your unbelief. I know what it feels like to think God must have chosen the wrong mom. that I heard his calling incorrectly. that there is no way I can follow where he is leading. that i will NEVER feel that deep JOY or belief or drive again. i was completely broken but it felt so so so lonely. i could barely muster up the words to share at times because it just all felt so hopeless and dead. my tears that flooded daily felt refreshing, but only for a few moments until the reality of my situation hit me again like the weight of the world. how could God be so good while I felt so crappy?

the tunnel was dark. it was quiet. deafening at times. it was lonely. friends that offered encouragement felt so far away even when they held me in their embrace as i sobbed through the pain. they didn't really understand and their words dropped short of my need for connection.

the darkness seemed too dark at times. i didn't just want to give up, i did. 

but then there was hope. small rays of light shined through the darkness. because the dark cannot overtake the light. psalm 112:4 says, "When darkness overtakes the godly, light will come BURSTING IN!" 

I am praying for the LIGHT of Jesus to come bursting in tonight for you. 

this song will encourage you. he is all you need. keep looking to him, dear friend. you will come out of the tunnel and your journey will finally look like a beautiful thing. I can already see the beauty of your obedience, sacrifice, desire and weakness. I can only imagine the view our King has...watching his beloved daughter walk in surrender. 

my heart is overflowing because of the joy your friendship brings to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sY0Vz8fvIhE

When the feeling's mutual.

A few weeks ago, my handsome hubby and I had an argument. Don't ask me what it was about. I can't remember. It probably had to do with baseball and coaching. about spending more time at home and less time at work. about life being about me, me, me. its usually about one of those things.

the kids were asleep and we both wanted to be tucked in our bed too. but we couldn't just yet because I wanted "to talk".  I knew I was wrong. I had done something disrespectful. don't ask what because I can't remember, remember?! He probably responded with something unloving. the crazy cycle was starting to spin. 

we chatted for a minute. or maybe we didn't. then I said something that one of us usually says at the end of such types of scenarios, "I think we should pray"  don't paint me as a saint just yet. I said it begrudgingly (and I followed it with, "but I don't want to." 
I was hoping for my man-of-God husband to step up, do the right thing, say he was wrong, turn his tender heart toward mine and take the lead. 

expect he didn't do that at all. 
so his reply felt like a knife to my heart...

"the feeling's mutual"

dang. 
ouch.
grrr...whatever, at least I was the one who said we should pray.

the prayer went something like this:
"God, we're not happy. we've offended each other..."

through rolling eyes, (yes, its a raw talent I posses) I asked God to search my heart. just mine. 

it wasn't a long, glorious prayer, but it was over.

I wanted to be right. I wanted to be heard. I wanted to be in control and in charge. But I know Jesus wants me to be in right relationship. darn. He commands and calls us to go first. LOVE GOES FIRST. even when the feelings aren't felt.
He honors our obedience.
...even when the feeling's mutual.